Believe it or not, Opening Day is just around the corner. When I think about baseball cuisine, three or four things come to mind: Hotdogs, peanuts, soft pretzels and beer. That’s it. Now I know that Busch Stadium offers a lot more. You can order a turkey leg with a stuffed baked potato—on a side note, I often ponder how the turkey leg became an acceptable hand-held snack, but that’s a topic for another day—or you can go the healthy route and get a gluten-free veggie sandwich.

In any event, while Busch Stadium offers a wide variety of ballpark noshes, it is far from the most eclectic menu in Major League Baseball. If you’re traveling the country this spring, there are a number of tasty ways to pad your love handles and retain a good deal of water. I am also obligated to inform you that while the risk of stroke is slight, it is existent.

If you’re at a Houston Astros game, don’t miss the BBQ Stuffed Baked Potato—a monster spud stuffed with BBQ brisket, smothered with melted cheese and topped with jalapenos and onions. Sure, it’s close to 800 calories, but on the plus side you won’t eat for a week. The Phillies’ Citizens Bank Park has ‘crab fries’ on the menu—French fries seasoned with Old Bay Seasoning like the crabs at a crab feast. Rounding out the 700-calorie side dish is a side of cheese dipping sauce to complete the artery hardening.

Leave it to the Cubs to come up with one of the most fattening concessions I could find: The North Side Twist is a soft pretzel the size of a dinner plate with nacho cheese, sweet mustard and spicy mustard dipping sauces, and of course, wait for it, a frosting dipping sauce as the pretzel transitions from meal to dessert. Give me a second, I just threw up a little into my mouth. Sticking with the nausea theme, the Colorado Rockies serve Rocky Mountain Oysters. Hey, what’s worse than sitting through a Rockies game? Sitting through a Rockies game with a room-temperature Coors and a fried bull testicle.

So whether you’re enjoying one of Danny Meier’s Ted Drewes-inspired Shake Shack milkshakes at a Mets’ game or some sushi with the Mariners, baseball season is upon us. And while I’m fairly certain I will be sticking with a hotdog and a Bud Select, you never know.

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