If you are in the mood for car chases and alien invasions, I have good news: I count no fewer than four alien-battling blockbusters this spring. If, however, you are in the mood for more substantial fare, you may be disappointed. Here’s what’s coming up!
Welcome to the supersized action flick: Ironman, Thor, Captain America, The Hulk and others all team up to fight an alien invasion. The cast includes several Oscar nominees, but I fear most of them will be phoning in their performances from their new beach houses.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Get ready for a treat. Maggie Smith, Judi Dench, Julie Christie, Tom Wilkinson and Peter O’Toole star in this delightful comedy about a group of Brits who move to an Indian retirement hotel.
Why Hollywood has to take all the beloved shows from my childhood and turn them into cheesy comedies is beyond me. Johnny Depp stars as Barnabus Collins, a vampire reawakened at the dawn of disco.
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat) has perfected his next persona, a Middle Eastern dictator with unlimited power and resources. You may remember Cohen’s stunt at the Oscars when he ‘accidentally’ spilled Osama bin Laden’s ‘ashes’ on Ryan Seacrest. That’s probably an accurate meter of the level of comedy here.
A true testament that Hollywood is out of ideas, I give you Battleship, a movie based on a board game. Remember Battleship? B-14, miss, D-9, miss, G-12, hit. That’s about the level of suspense and intrigue I am expecting in this juggernaut.
What to Expect when You’re Expecting
And now, another example of a movie banking on the familiarity of its title with a plot that has absolutely nothing to do with the source material: This comedy follows four interconnected couples as they prepare to become parents.
Men in Black III
Will Smith travels back to 1969 to find a young K (Josh Brolin) and contain an alien threat that could destroy 2012 Earth. I think the word you’re looking for is, “Anyway…”
Snow White and the Huntsman
If Mirror, Mirror didn’t do it for you, here is the second take on the Snow White story. In this much darker version, Charlize Theron plays the evil queen and the expressionless Kristen Stewart plays Snow White.
Ridley Scott goes back to the beginning of time to probe the Alien premise (pun intended). Here, a group of space explorers stumble across an alien threat that could destroy Earth.
Rock of Ages
Based on the Off-Broadway smash of the same name, Rock of Ages tells the story of a small-town girl who falls for a boy she meets on the Sunset Strip. Their story is told through the music of ’80s rock. Tom Cruise takes the helm as rock star Stacee Jaxx.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
The title alone is enough to get me in the door. Sadly, the title is quite literal. Our beloved 16th president discovers vampires in Washington and sets out to kill them before they take over.
I adore the films of Steven Soderbergh, but he may have missed the mark. Channing Tatum stars as a male stripper who mentors a fledgling coworker and schools him in the art of all things gigolo. Whether it’s Boogie Nights or Showgirls remains to be seen.