News is a 24-hour-a-day business. Correction: It’s a 60-minute-an-hour, 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week…you get the idea. Furthermore, the news simply is not a nicely groomed anchor reading today’s top stories before handing the ball off to 'Storm,' the weather guy, or 'Champ' for sports. A news channel has an anchor reciting the news. It also has a crawl along the bottom explaining, in brief, top stories. There also is a picture-in-picture of some breaking event. And, in case you were curious, there is a list of bullet points of what’s up next. It’s like staring at a strobe light. Breaking news: The cable news channel is giving me a seizure.

On top of that, it has become painfully obvious that more often than not, outlets seem to run out of news. I imagine in the day when the main source of news was the daily paper or the 5 o’clock broadcast, providers would have to show some prioritization. Let’s cut the warehouse fire and go with the counting-dog story. Years ago, we may have missed out on the fire-in-the-warehouse storybut not any more. Today, you get all the news that’s fit to print (and report and post and text). It seems that these days, something is news if it is simply new. Case in point: These are some of last week’s headlines from top, 'reputable' news outlets.

Science and Technology

Honda Claims Land Speed Record for a Lawn Mower

So Rosalee, how did your son get into street-racing? Thirteen-year-old boys across the country found this story interesting. That’s something.

Relationship Advice

Scary Things Women Say and Do that Send Men Running

Seriously? What the girls discuss over Grey Goose and Ben & Jerry’s is now newsworthy?

Woman Wears Wedding Dress Every Day for 10 Years

(See above headline)

Human Interest

Tattoo Typo Takes Toll on Texan

A young woman went for a tattoo. The artists misspelled the word 'tomorrow.' In the future, may I suggest implementing some sort of proofreading system? You know, like, when you have invitations printed?

Numbers Game

Six Funny-Looking Dog Breeds

Six Things Never to do Before Bed

Five Things to Do with Coffee Grounds

Ten Foods to Increase Your Metabolism

Nine Actresses Who Should Hit It Big

Seven Signs Your Spouse is Cheating

(Six news stories that are a spectacular waste of time.)

Celebrity News

Doris Day Turns 90

That’s actually interesting. Mainly because I assumed she was dead. You did to, admit it.

George Clooney Shares Intimate Photo Showing He’s Into New Girlfriend.

Honestly, writing a story about Clooney’s latest relationship is like covering daylight saving: It happens twice a year, it’s generally irritating, and it always happens sooner than you think it’s going to.

World News

Crimeans Cut Off from McDonalds

Do you finally see what it’s come to, people? Something. Must. Be. Done. These people have no fries.

And that’s the way it is…

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