The Tourist: It’s a 6

I have been waiting for this movie for six months. It stars the most beautiful people in the world, is shot in the most beautiful of places, and has a really interesting premise. I don’t know how things could have gone so horribly wrong. Well, sadly I do. When you have beautiful people in a beautiful place, you know the tickets will be sold regardless, so why bother?

Our story begins in Paris where the mysterious Elise Ward (Angelina Jolie) is being followed by the police. We quickly learn that her lover, a ghost of a man named Alexander Pearce, has stolen billions from a British gangster, and the government—if I understand correctly—wants its cut of the unpaid taxes. Pearce is a clever guy, however, and instructs his lover to board a train to Venice, find a man with roughly his build and skin tone and join him. Elise obliges and soon enough has Frank Tupilo (Johnny Depp) as a travelling companion. The deception works, to an extent, and soon Frank is a hunted man.

Sounds pretty nifty, right? The nicest thing I can say about this film is that it is mildly entertaining. Angelina has so much make-up on and is so stoic she looks like one of those giant Barbie heads girls play with. Johnny Depp is so oddly normal he’s almost boring. I’ve often said that I could watch Johnny Depp watch paint dry, but apparently that’s not the case. The chemistry between the two is nonexistent, and the plot devolves from the ridiculous to the absurd. That being said, this movie is OK. It’s fine. It’s a solid C+. It’s two very attractive people running around Venice for 90-plus minutes. Things could be worse. LN