The Baldwin Report

Unreliable and second-hand gossip from around the world*

Justin Bieber

The Biebs fancies himself quite the graffiti artist these days. The Boyfriend singer is becoming known for leaving a spray-painted calling card behind as he tours the world. Unfortunately, the artwork he left behind on an Australian hotel was not only unwelcome, it also was illegal. The city’s mayor has given Bieber a choice: He can scrub the graffiti clean or perform at his annual Christmas party. It seems like a harmless ultimatum. Although insisting that Justin sing swaddled in a manger for the live nativity may be pushing it.

One Direction

The boy band du jour was mobbed at New York's JFK airport last week as they arrived in the States for their guest appearance on SNL this weekend. The band caused a stampede as travelers spotted them making their way to a car. Fans screamed and cried, and people were trampled in the pandemonium. Hey, don’t look at me. I was squatting in a bush, under a tarp, across the road from the taxi line. Fifty yards is 50 yards.

Joe Jonas

The former teen idol was spotted running in West Hollywood sporting a conspicuous mustache. The one-time heartthrob is battling impending obscurity by releasing a salacious tell-all about his Disney-child-star past. After the book signing Jonas had a 'quiet' lunch at a paparazzi-strewn hotspot, and then went for a don’t-notice-me run with his new I’m-in-disguise facial hair. Presumably, later in the day, he'd choose between 'leaking' a sex tape and announcing a dependency on prescription pain medication.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

The singer and his vapid bride-to-be have outdone themselves. They have decided to have their wedding at the Palace of Versailles. In an unwitting tribute to their unabashed materialism, Kanye and Kim feel the opulence and history of the palace reflects their own luxury lifestyle. Personally, I think it’s a fabulous idea. Now, what are the chances their story will end the same way it did for the last two infamous and undeservedly rich people who lived at Versailles…?

*so don’t quote me.